Fibromyalgia · Personal Log

My Everything Hurts

Work on Monday  was fine and I was feeling fine when I got home. At 5am on Tuesday I was really not fine, I was in so much pain that getting back to sleep was not going to happen. The kick in the teeth there is that not only am I wake to feel the pain but the pain gets worse for being tired. Glen us suffering from a bad back and needs his rest too so I got my pain killers and went down stairs. If you are looking for something to watch when you are feeling ill or can’t sleep I highly recommend a Disney film, something that is easy to watch and you know has a happy ending.

When Glen got up about 8am he sent me back to bed. I did manage to get some more sleep, with the bed to myself it is easier to get comfortable. We also have an electric blanket, it is one of the most amazing pieces of tech that we have in the house. Getting into bed with it is like slipping into a hot bath, but with out the risk or drowning or the water getting cold. I got up a few hours later to have my tablets and some breakfast. On my way down stairs I thought it would be a good idea to open the curtains, turns out that was a big mistake. I knew I was having a bad day but hurting myself opening the curtains came as a surprise. When I told Glen I was told that I was spending the rest of the day in bed. So after I had my tablets and food off I went, dvds and colouring book in hand. For Christmas Glen had got me some lovely colouring books and my sister had got me a wonderful set of colouring pencils.

That is how I spent my day yesterday in bed with the electric blanket on colouring in and watching ‘The best Exotic Marigold Hotel’ one and two.

And there it is. The colours are better on the page.

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I slept better last night and managed to stay asleep until my normal alarm went off. For the first little bit of the morning I was feeling much better an was looking forward to going into work, that feeling was a very short lived one. I am still feeling better than yesterday and have managed to spend less time in bed, I even managed to open the curtains without any problems.

To get me out of the house for a bit Glen and I had a walk up to the local shop. The shop isn’t very far at all and I think we both felt better for a little fresh air. As you have seen from  a few of my photos we have an open fire in the front room. Having a fire is so much more conforting and warming than just putting the heating on. Glens dad collects wood for us from any building job that he goes to that has any going  spare and his parents came to our house yesterday bearing coal, so it is also cheaper that putting the heating on too. Any way, we have plenty of coal in the house but very little wood and as I was feeling better and so was Glen we thought now was a good time to bring some wood in from the garage. We did it but I think we are both suffering for it now, but the fire is helping take the edge off. When we had finished I was so relived that when I got in and took my coat and shoes off I started to cry. It’s so odd when it gets to the point of me crying from the pain. It’s like my nerves go into over drive and I can’t really feel any pain if someone asked me what hurt the best I could say is everything. It’s so strange. It’s not something that can really be described, not like stubbing you toe ‘a sharp agonising pain in the toe’. I haven’t been this bad in a very long time. The sudden cold weather doesn’t help, it’s much like arthritis in that way. Part of the illness is not being able to regulate my body temperature or feel my own temperate properly, many times I’ve told Glen I’ boiling and he says I’m cold to the touch and like wish I have said that I’m cold and he has said I’m boiling to the touch. So in this weather in theory the best thing to do is to bundle up when I got outside but when I do I soon feel myself over heating I feeling very unwell. So the best thing I can try and do is stay as comfortable as I can, rest up and ride it out. When it gets really bad sometimes I find myself getting lost in the misery and asking ‘why me? what have I done to disserve this’. I like to think that I’m a good person, I recycle, feed the birds in my garden, I make things for people just to make them happy. I try not to get stuck in that for too long, as hard as it is for me it’s hard for the people around me. Especially Glen, yesterday all he wanted to do was hug me to make me feel better but I was so sensitive that he couldn’t even do that without hurting me. He dose the best he can but it’s hard to see someone you love hurting and knowing that there is nothing you can do about it. Were he has hurt is back I’d do anything to take his pain away.

Work have been very good with the amount of time I have needed off but after March they wont be there anymore. I’ve not been happy were I’m working for a long time now and I have gone for other jobs in the past, I even got another job with a potential start date and before I could start that job the position was removed due to cut backs! And now that I’ve been so sick who would want to hire me now. I was able to work a 35 hour week with little problem now I struggle to complete a 25 hour week, at a work place that I know, doing a job that a monkey could do. Knowing all of that isn’t helping  and on an unconscious level I think it’s making me worse. I have tried to get help from my local council but so far they are unwilling to give any. The impression I have been left with is that if I gave up on trying to work then I might get some help. I don’t want to live on their hand outs I can still work and I want to, but being faced with finding something I can do and an employer that will take me on is not a promising one.

Glen and I are getting married in October and so far we have made very little plans. We are hoping that I will get a new job for April and that my redundancy will pay for the wedding. But until we know what’s going on with me and work there isn’t a lot we can do in the way of planning. For as long as either Glen or I can remember we have both wanted to get married and have children. We have booked the registry office for December and as long as we both turn up the day we will be married and for me it’s the marriage that is more important than the wedding day. We have an idea of what we want but if we can’t have it then it’s not the end of the world. We have always planned getting married before having children so there is still time for me to get a handle on what’s happening to me and learn to deal with it. But we have talked about the possibility of not having children, Glen already has a full time job and looks after me. When I have bad days like this I also wonder if I will be able to get through pregnancy ok. We have also discussed adopting or fostering but there is plenty of time to work the details out.

Thank you for reading, righting and getting it out of my system dose help to make me feel better. And on that note I would like to share with you one last piece of illness advice. If you have a headache, and don’t want to take tablets or that they aren’t helping, try putting some Vicks rub on your forehead. At work I have the migraine rub ‘forehead’ and the menthol in it really helps but I forget to bring it home, so yesterday I thought I’d try Vicks and it’s amazing how good it is.

Please don’t feel too sorry for me, this is my life and I will learn to make the best of it as it is. But if anyone has any suggestions about possible work then please let me know. It feels like when you finish school and they ask you what you want to do and I always felt like asking ‘what’s out there?’.

Again thank you for reading. And making it to the bottom of the post x

 

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